The Battle for Bloadband

Friday 25th September 2009

AM

Least: At about 9:00am, I woke feeling completely dehydrated. The weather on Thursday was expectedly warm and created an uncomfortably hot night. I feared for a moment that the cool of a couple of weeks ago was an abberation. I felt as if I had a hangover, yet without any memory of revellry and this feeling lasted until well into the afternoon. No amount of water or staring at the playstation screen seemed to do any good. An utterly empty morning.

Most: Close to 11:00am, I peered through the netting on the balcony to find that my intermittent study of katakana was beginning to pay dividends. A sign on a mountain of tissue-related product over at the Drug-11 read something along the lines of  "Early Bird Special". The sign finally explained the ridiculously long queues on certain days of the week that had been the subject of intense speculation for seven months. Now it all makes sense and fits perfectly into the Japanese habit of being incredibly bargain conscious. Hazaar!

PM

Least: Sometime after 6:00pm, I enlisted a our friendly neighbour in an attempt to set up the already boring router. Despite his best efforts, my dream of wireless internet was shattered. I became especially discouraged when I read the box and it read in English "Wireless Bloadband". I should have smelled a rat back in Den Den town.

Most: At nearly 7:00pm, I dashed up to the bottle shop to raid its supplied of tinned tomatoes. Outside the barn-like shop sat thousands of cans of the hangover inducing Chu-Hi and as many cartons of beer. Incredibly, the shop also passes as an understocked supermarket that allows the drinking man to cook up all manner of junk food for his night in front of the TV. The most interesting thing about the store though, are the massive barrels of what I assume to be Shochu. By any measure, the Japanese seem to be extremely heavy drinkers and appear to revel in afterwork drunkeness. At least it keeps the can scavengers in business.

Retching and Relaxation

AM

Least: At just past 8:00am, I woke with an absolutely searing headache and relentless nausea. It was the hangover that I had been expecting, however the shock of its ferocity caught me unawares. While the nurofen dullled the pain, all I could think of was how dull my day was going to be until the menace passed. I think the most damage as done by umeshu the sweeter than sweet Japanese plum wine. Even while I was drinking last night, I knew deep down that I would really pay for it later. At only ten percent alcohol, it is a weakling, but when combined with cheap beer it can become lethal. The hangover coloured my entire AM period and I couldn't rise until a surprise at the door dragged me out of my malaise.

Most: At about 11:10am, the doorbell unexpectely rang. It was a deliverman, dropping off a box of incredibly entertaining electronics. Late on Friday night, I had ordered a Playstation 3 from Amazon to relieve my morning boredom. Incredibly, it only took about forty hours to arrive - an on a Sunday. The package was carefully wrapped and included my other purchase John Steinbeck's The Pearl. The delivery tore me from the clutches of my hangover and condsiderably improved my morning.

PM

Least: At nearly 2:00pm, I decided on a high-risk strategy to add certainty to the end of my hangover. The sushi-train restaurant was busy and I thought that the colour and movement might distract me from my internal issues. The near trouble erupted when huge gaps in the conveyer appeared and a hush fell on the eatery. One of the few things left doing laps around the room was a disgusting plate of cocktail-frank sushi (see a similar meal right) complete with an artistically place strip of nori holding it together. For five minutes, my stomach churned at the thought of this meal, until a fresh batch of the blandly harmless salmon appeared just in time. The rice was still warm and the least interesting sushi saved the day.

Most: At 2:35pm, I strolled through Namba parks on my way to Labi to buy a game for my new toy. I was struck by how relaxed everyone seemed. With a four-day holiday beginning, it was a change to see couples holding hands, fathers with children, people walking slowly and the shops teeming at twoish in the afternoon. Given the outrageous hours that many people work, perhaps it is not too surprising that the Japanese have achieve art in their relaxation techniques. For some reason, my stroll today reminded me of a perfect early summer day in Melbourne and made me a little homesick.

The Rush of Rush Hour

AM

Least: At 9:45am, I surfaced in Kyoto after walking for several hundred metres underground in an unknown direction. The smug blandness of the shops above meant that a few minutes later, I was walking straight past my destination. By the time I asked a tissue-man the directions, I had walked seven hundred metres too far. It was not the first or second time I have been lost in Kyoto - it was the third. There is something strange about the orientation of the city that I just can't put my finger on - it's probably just me. I'm yet to love Kyoto.

Most: By 8:20am, I was being swept along with the wild Osaka rush hour (see stolen photo). Even on my local train, a constant ribbon of people walked through the train to get to the first carriage in the hope of saving a few precious seconds. By the time I reached underground the ribbon had turned into a wide black suited flood of people clopping along in their dress-shoes. Most people seemed to be in robotic mode as if they make that same dash to work every day - I'm sure they do. When I reached the Midosuji platform at Namba, thousands of people were waiting patiently in line to board the next train. Seconds after stepping into the carriage, people began pushing themselves after me and I was helplessly moving with the crush. At the first stop I only saw one person step out of the train  - four or five joined the mayhem.

PM

Least: By 5:20ish, I was trudging back through the Midosuji station beneath Namba. Although my head was down, I heard my name being called by a strangely familiar Japanese voice. It was my boss from one of my schools. Immediately after some minor pleasantries, she began piling on the pressure for me to attend a drinks party for work on Saturday night. I replied with a lot of erring and mighting then went on my way. Thankfully, I have far more interesting plans for Saturday night which will make it impossible to attend the threatened work function.

Most: Some time after 8:00pm, Rosie and I walked in to the previously mentioned T's Kitchen. We planned to stay for a single drink and a snack, however, it wasn;t long before events overwhelmed us. Just as I as emptying what I assumed would be my last beer, a middle-aged Japanese guy in the corner piped up. The first thing he said to Rosie was aimed at detecting her marital status. As it turned out, the man was a real estate agent and had to of his minoins with him. In the hour and a half that followed, we spoke to the three agents and drank more and more beer. For some reason the agents insisted on buying us sashimi. The food, though was to no avail and did not prevent the beer hitting its target with devestating accuracy. It was a long and windy trip home.

"Please don't mention the airconditioner..."

AM

Least: By about 12:40am, Rosie and I had been standing in the rain outside a Family Mart in America Mura for 30 minutes. It was time to leave. Although quite drunk, I found the wettening of my clothes very disheartening. No gen X'er or Y'er seems to have the inclination to lead, so our party was stranded in the rain. I wonder how long they stood there?

Most: By 12:50am, Rosie and I skulked away to Jokerman (file photo above), just a block way from the abovementioned watery delay. The barman was drinking with his girlfriend and was soon arguing with her about buying a new air-conditioner. Despite the mad decision to keep drinking, Jokerman was great as usual. By some amazing co-incidence, the barman seems to share my musical taste. A while ago, during some 1970s Bob Dylan song, he asked - 'Do you like Brutal Truth?' Every time we visit, he plays 'Walking Corpse' as we pay the bill and say goodnight. It's like he has turned my ipod into a bar. I ate beef jerky and oily sardines. They are now adding a certain flavour to my severe hangover.

PM

Least: At 2:42pm, Rosie and I walked down the fights of stairs in an attempt to catch the next train. By risking the illegal parking at the station we could've just made it. Unfortunately our bikes weren't where we predicted. They were already at the station and had been since approximately 6:45pm yesterday. Thankfully they hadn't been taken by the local authorities to their lair for ransom. This time we were lucky. We gave up on catching the train.

Most: By 8:15pm, I was dozing to one of the only palatable shows on TV. A comedian dressed as a schoolgirl with very thick eyebrows travels the world getting into awkward and dangerous situations. Tonight she was marathon training in Kenya, chasing dust storms with a dust-based Mona Lisa and being engulfed by a swarm of bees while collecting honey. The video shows Ayako Imoto vs. various animals - see if she outruns the cheetah!