The Return of AMPM

Sunday 7th of December 2009

After a wildly busy November, I have finally decided to bring back AMPM as an almost daily record of my lull in Japan. Although the format is sligtly simplified, I will still attempt to write about both the moments of interest and the drudgeries of my life here.

AM

At about 11:20am, Rosie and I walked down to the station on a mission to complete our christmas shopping in one day. The highlight of the train trip was a lunatic having an apparently sensible conversation with his reflection. As I feared, the shops were packed with parents and grandparents buying gifts with as much or more fever as in Melbourne. In the sprawling Toys R Us, parents were carrying trains, puzzles, computer games, dolls and unicycles. Despite this chaos, it was the stifling heat inside which characterised my morning. Although is was chilly outside at around 10C, inside must've been approaching 30. Everytime I, walked into a shop, I had to remove my jacket, lest the sweaty memories of the Osakan summer returned. At the end of a couple of hours, the shopping was finished for another year - I just hope the parcels arrive in Australia in time.

PM

By 6:10pm, after an afternoon of wrapping gifts and dozing under the heater, I settled on my plan for the evening meal. I made a sukiyaki-style broth then added vegetables, tofu and noodles. Despite the distinct lack of meat, it was actually very successful in terms of taste. The sugar in sukiyaki, makes it completely more-ish and probably very unhealthy but it would be unthinkable to leave it out. The night was made even better by a few episodes of Battlestar Galactica which is getting almost as addictive as the sukuyaki broth. By about 10:30pm, my drowsiness was only stifled by the  constant wailing of fire sirens outside - I'm not sure exactly where they were off to, but it seemed pretty close. Deadly fires appear to be too common in Japan.

Only in Tezukayama

AM

Least: At about 8:00am, I was once again reminded of the horrors of living in such close quarter to so many other people. A very loud and distinctive honking noise smashed into our bedroom. My close analysis conducted over many months has revealed that it is a man in the shower clearing his nose. If only I knew the sound's exact origin, I could begin plotting revenge.

Most: At 9:05am this morning, I saw yet another sign that Japan's economic woes have yet to hit Tezukayama. A youngish woman was either dropping off or picking someone up from the local school in a very new red Ferrari. This sighting is only one of many along the same vein. In recent days, I have dodged cars from the numerous Porsche's to an Aston Martin. A recent only-in-Tezukayama moment was a road rage incident outside the Drug 11 involving an old lady on a bicycle and a 30s-ish man driving a blue Roller. The rich stay rich.

PM

Least: Atabout 7:10pm, I arrived to a home bereft of food. By 8:10pm, I treadled off to the local supermarket hoping for something raw and fishy. Instead, I arrived to find the fish shelves almost empty as closing time approached. Literally the only things left were a few scraps of sashimi and slices of whale at half price. I settled for some acceptable beef burgers, however they had so much grease that they almost rendered my sweet bread transparent.

Most: Sometime after 6:00pm, I looked out the window of the train at the speeding landscape to discover it was already in darkness. It is incredible how the length of day has appeared to shorten so quickly (see today's astronomical chart right). It is a reminder of how fast my time in Japan is going, and leaves me questioning myself whether or not I've made the most of it. I definately need to see more of Japan and get out a bit more. Perhaps next year I'll manage a real weekend with two days off in a row. 

The Market

Monday 21st September 2009


AM

Least: At about 10:45am, Rosie and I parked our bikes illegally at a Family Mart in Tennoji. As we walked towards the Shi-Tennoji market at the shrine, it seemed that thousands, perhaps tens of thousands of people had the same idea. The crowd was as thick and rude as it was old. I was elbowed and pushed several times as old crones desparately tried to reach the shrine where they could combine shopping for junk with a religious experience. The dirty looks I got as I waited at the entrance for friends was almost as surprising as the pornography for sale inside.

Most: By 11:25am, I had walked around perhaps fifty stalls selling incredible amounts of Japanese cultural refuse, including millions of figurines and endless pottery. The most interesting items, though included and ancient bear skin rug, carved ivory, fossils and medical equipment from long enough ago to make it terrifying. The surgical stall, included horrifying syringes, bone saws, pokers of some kind, and two bronze gynaecological devices - I wonder if anyone bought them. The thousand and something year-old shrine was kind of interesting too.

PM

Least: By 7:00pm, it was becoming clear that during my several attempts to install a wireless router, I had destroyed our computers ability to connect to the internet. Apart from trying to read Japanese instructions, I had lost some crucial papers that included a precious password. Being a public holiday, it was impossible to contact the service provider and therefore impossible to reconnect to the lifeline of the interet. On unexpected side effect was that it further reduced the certainty of our impending trip to the Hokage festival at Tamagawa by preventing us from checking train times. Boring times.

Most: Sometime after 3:00pm, I was escorted into Den Den town by our neighbour in search of electronics. Within minutes, we had bought a new high definition monitor and various cables. It was incredible to see the number of shops selling items to allow people to construct their own computers. Other shops sold thousands of figurines, swap cards and computer games, while others had girls dressed as maids trying to entice lonely customers. Within an hour the spending spree had ended, but it was interesting to see how massive choice, flashing lights and placards could put me into a ruinous fianancial frenzy. Fun.

Duel or Wheels of Terror

AM

Least: At nearly 11:15am I stood in the the supermarket struggling to find a place to pack my bags and being buffeted by a series of incredibly rude old crones. I'm not sure if it's me, or the old bags are simply in mission mode and are not willing to let anything get in the way of their target. The first collision occured after a shopper discarded her trolley and rolled it towards me with little regard for my safety. The second incident was as I was packing my shopping into my bike-basket when a heavily osteoperosised old lady flashed past on her bike with her umbrella open. The edge of the frilly sun-umbrella struck me in the side of the face - luckily causing no injury. The bike rules discourage umbrella use and offer jail time for other bike offences. This morning's experience suggests that Japan's famous manners are concentrated in the younger age-brackets and non-existant among decrepit old ladies.

Most: At about 11:40am I sat down to have a look at the cycling rules for Japan after my brush with the maniac at the supermarket. The laws were revised in 2008 and seem to be quite harsh, especially in terms of the jail terms given for some offences. Some big penalties apply to the most common bike riding habits seen in Japan, such as dinking, riding on the wrong side of the road, failing to stop at signals and riding while drunk. The last crime can potentially send a person to the slammer for five years - as long as the rider doesn't crash and die first.

PM

Least: Between 3:20pm and precisely 9:35pm, I spent no less than four and a half hours staring out over Osaka's north-eastern skyline from the twenty-fourth floor of the Hankyu32 building (see rectangle in the centre of photo right) As night fell, the lights of the city made it slightly more interesting but soon became part of the same trance-like drone before my eyes. The HEP Five ferris wheel was not even turning and was covered in cloth for renovation. A rare highlight was seeing sparks from a welder fall from about thirty storeys up into the depths of the street. Having little work to do made a boring day drag on even longer.

Most: At about 9:50pm, I stepped onto the Midosuji subway train at Umeda. Within thirty seconds I had run into the barman from one of my favourite bars Jokerman (right). Takao had been eating Mexican and drinking vast quantities of tequila. His eyes were bloodshot and he admitted to being incredibly drunk. We talked about grindcore and the upcoming Brutal Truth show in Osaka. It was nice running into a familiar Japanese face in a sea of strangers.

Gastronomy Versus Gastro

AM

Least: At nearly 8:20am, I awoke with a sore neck, a splitting headache and a stormy gizzard. The first affliction I have had for days, the second caused by beer and the third probably via kids at Rosie's school. The unpredictable nature of my malaise meant that I was confined for much of the AM period and less able to fight my other physical impairments. As the morning wore on, I began to question the foods the I had eaten in the last twelve-ish hours but I just couldn't bring myself to blame the sashimi, doteyaki, the octopus or the sanma. I finally settled on blaming a school environment teeming with virus's and imperfectly washed hands.

Most: By 9:30am, I had realised that Collingwood had in fact won the game of football that I had recklessly ignored last night. While speaking to my sister and niece is was strangely comforting to be able to give my comisserations to my Adelaide following brother in law. While AFL is pretty far from being interesting, this short skyped aside was a shining light in an otherwise dreadful morning.

PM

Least: Pretty close to 12:30pm, I paid a visit to the Nankai station branch of the MUFJ Bank to check my bank balance. Seconds later, I discovered that August's wild spending spree had taken its toll and worse, my pay had yet to be credited to my account. The dismal figure made me ponder where the money had gone. Expensive meals, taxis, pizza and an airfare to Malaysia. Hopefully this month's boring balance will be a cracking holiday in December.

Most: At about 3:00pm, Rosie and I browsed the shelves of the A-Price Supermarket in Namba. The shop is aimed at caterers with caterer-sized everything to sham your restaurant into respectability. Among the frozen fish and crabs was the whale section. Frozen packs of whale bacon and blubber called out from the freezer. Some of the larger cuts of meat actually had a picture of a humpbacked whale to assist with advertising and the biggest steaks were simply frozen flesh sawn into rectangular boxes. The supermarket also has an admirable selection of cheese.

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Food Note: At around 2:00pm, I ordered what I thought was fried seafood chunks by pointing at a photo. Unfortunately, the dim lights of the restaurant meant that I had actually ordered a sizzling skillet of horemon which consisted of asparagus stems and pig entrails served on a bed of cooked onion. With a sqweeze of lemon it was delicious and given my intestinal issue, I imagined that by eating intestines their strength might transfer to mine. Magic.

From Screen Door to Mosasaur

AM

Least: At about 9:10am I opened our rickety screen door and once again pulled it off the rails. Like the washing machine, the screen doors has never recovered from those spring days when Sanshou Mansion was painted. Although it never really slid smoothly, the door now has the infuriating habit of leaving its tracks every time it is opened. And every time it comes off the rails, I have to spend time flexing it back into position, knowing full well my battle is futile. Extremely boring. It will take a dangerous turn when the time comes for me to throw it onto the tram tracks below.

Most: It was close to 9:30am, when I felt confident enough to think to myself that the yoke of Osaka's summer has been broken. For several nights it has been cool enough to sleep without the airconditioner and for several days I have had little sweat drip down my chins. As the the other changes of seasons, it has been if a switch has been flicked and an autumnly cool northerly breeze has swept the humidity and heat away. Having survived the summer, I can now say that while it was brutal, it was not completely soul destroying as predicted by various Canadian types. And if wasn't for wearing ridiculous work clothes, the summer would have been far more bearable. I wonder when the hot coffee will return to the vending machines?

PM

Least: At about 1:20pm, I sat down to a fishy meal at an all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant in Shinsaibashi. I'm still trying to work out if it was worth it given the amount of sushi I could've eaten and didn't. The food was pretty poor, even for sushi-trains and although I had to try the salami and pastrami sushi , I didn't think it was much chop. The guy sitting next to me though, had other ideas. He had eaten at least thirty plates of sushi and no less than ten desserts, mostly creme brulees. The only word he said to me was 'bamboo' as he pointed to a dish that tasted a lot like dishwashing liquid. Some of the other customers included, close-to-bums and obvious tight-arses determined to get their yen's worth. A one time only experience and one that proves the never-skimp-on-food rule.

Most: At close to 2:00pm, Rosie and I walked in the doors of Tokyu Hands in Shinsaibashi. Our initial aim was to simply have a look, but as it turned out we could have our watch batteries replaced while we browsed. The vast array of goods included watches, backpacks, homewear, beauty products, stationary, craft and hobby supplies. The most interesting floor was the hobby and craft section which was full of nerdy guys inspecting train sets. Close to the astronomical instruments were a shelf-full of fossils. I was mose impressed by the dinosaur bones and the teeth from a mosasaur (right). I wonder if Australian customs would let bring a large trilobite back - it might just be worth a try.

The Death Stare in the Supermarket

AM

Least: Within an hour of 3:00am, I slumped into a white taxi for the outrageously expensive cruise from Shinsaibashi to Tezukayma. Despite my incredibly blurry state, I noticed that the driver had a small plasma TV installed on his dashboard. The screen had a deep shade so the driver could watch it at any time he chose. Without surprise, I saw that even in the early hours, it was still possible to watch insipid variety shows. I was too drunk to tell whether or not Terry Ito made an appearance.


Most: Just after rising at 11:10am, I slid open my balcony door to discover the surprise that the day was not searingly hot. A coolish breeze fluttered the washing and gave me the hint the summer might just be on the wane. The forecast still warns of above 30 degree days, yet the painful maximums are beginning to lower. Hopefully the nights will be cooler and more sleep friendly too.

PM

Least: At about 3:20pm, I squeezed into the local supermarket to buy some overpriced groceries. What made this dull experience even less interesting was the swarm of houswives blocking every isle. In the fruit section, Rosie reported seeing be-aproned women scanning  bigger-than-A3 catalogues for any bargains they may have missed. You'd think that the old bag who graced me with her death stare as I sidled up to the packing counter would've been more cheerful, given that she'd had just managed to save 23 yen. Tightarse.

Most: Just before 4:00pm, I was again intrigued by another mention of last year's Tsiolkas book 'The Slap', During my visit to Australia a few people urged me to read it and empasised its light-shining value in terms of naughties suburban Melbourne. Having not read any of the book, I settled on a debate on the First Tuesday Book Club between the usual hipster, author, journo and guests. The interesting thing about the usually uninteresting show, was the faith-like defence put up by the Australians after the Britisher dismissed the book for its soapiness. It's always warming to hear familiar suburbs or types mentioned in print, but perhaps the interest fades as soon as you live outside of the good pages of the Melways. Given the rifts and the raft of recommendations though, I'll need to give it a read. At least Hardy has removed that distracting flower from her hair.

The Man with the Magnets

AM

Least: At 10:15am, I began carefully poaching my eggs according to the tried and true Box method. When the crucial time for toasting arrived, I was devastated to discovered that we were breadless. Given the sensitive nature of the poaching process the only two options were to complete then eat the eggs or send them to the Osaka incinerators. The two eggs alone on the plate looked pathetic and lonely. In my panic, I had undercooked the eggs by approximately one minute.

Most: Just after 10:30am, I made a trip to Family Mart then a trip to Kohyo in search of bread. Upon arrival at Kohyo, I discovered that every overcashed housewife in Tezukayama was there. Normally, this fact and their ruthless shopping methods could only be recorded as uninteresting, however some barking piqued my curiosity. It appears that every one of the aforementioned housewives uses several cash and point-cards, one of which makes a machine bark like a puppy when scanned. An 'electronic money' dog named Happy Waon (above) specialises in point collecting and singing. His hobby is shopping. A small sign at the counter read 'Electric Money Can Be Used At This Counter'.

PM

Least: At 2:35pm, I was transported back to work and back into a very familiar routine. Everything was exactly as I'd left it. The staff, the building, the now out-of-date postings, the students, the awkward smalltalk and the lack of useful breaks. At least the sheer sameness of it all caused absolutely no stress. I'm sure it won't cause any stress for the rest of my time there.

Most: At about 9:05pm, I took my usual seat in the very last carriage of the Nankai Local at Nakamozu station. Some familiar characters were there, including the cougher in his brown suit, and the young pastry chef thumbing his latest edition of the glossy mag 'Super Patissier Book'. One stranger tended a finger wound with a tissue. Most interesting though, was an unfamiliar bloated wreck who, suffering some ailment, began placing numerous (about 30) adhesive magnets to his chest and wrists. I hope his illness wasn't serious. The tanned girl wearing her all-yellow softs didn't blink and fell asleep.

Beautiful Bawdy Japan

AM

Least: At about 7:10am I woke with a chicken organs and beer-related headache, and a sense that someone was walking on the roof of our building. The roof of this building is great, but only if I'm the person using it. The hour of the day, meant asking myself too many questions, all starting with 'why'. At about 7:12am I re-slept face-down and woke at 9:32am with the same aching head, but this time with numb mitteny hands. The yoga class on the searing roof had been going an hour. I watched a TV show about the manufacture of two types of hot-water-bottle.

Most: As I walked to the station at about 11:48am, I looked into the poodle-stylist to find him hard at work as usual. On most days at least two dogs are standing on his benches getting trimmed and styled with four or five more waiting in cages. The local dogs are hyper-pampered (above) and can be seen in bike baskets or peering though the designer bag of a Tezukayama Queen. The barber must be making a killing.

PM

Least: By ABOUT 3:00pm, Rosie and I had been wheeling around Namba Parks for 30 minutes looking for a craft shop. The craft shop turned out to for sewing fans and phone decorators only. During our journey we passed so many shops selling useless beauty products, bland homewares, and busy clothes, that it was easy to get lost. The shop-girls looked forlorn as they hoped for customers but at least they weren't screeching for their survival like their kin in Shinsaibashi.

Most: Close to 3:30pm, Rosie and I decided to have a look in an otaku-ish shop in Namba City. It had the usual capsule machines and thousands of models, figurines and toys from every conceivable TV show or science fiction movie. Some of the figurines though, were of weirdly proportioned women in various states of undress. I'm still wondering the purpose of those models with pubic hair, or those showing women in bondage positions. There's no accounting for taste - and Japan seems to be a particularly bawdy country.